Joedilocks: Trying to make things "Just Left"

Holy fucking shit!

2008-09-13T23:16:00.007-04:00

Man, I'm sorry about not blogging lately it's just that the convention was crazy with a capital "C". A lot of snow in that football stadium that Thursday night and I'm not talking about the kind that falls from the sky. Anyway, it was a great speech by my buddy Barry but those fucking REPUBICS stole his thunder by nominating that cunt Sarah Palin. What the fuck is a "hockey mom" anyway? Why does everyone think that's funny or cute or something. Who the fuck cares about that kind of shit? What the country needs is socialized medicine and instead we're concerned about some gun-toting bitch with a retard kid. Jesus H. Christ. Now it looks like Florida is lost. It was going to be hard enough for me to beat dumbass Diaz-Balart as it was, but people are now starting to shift toward McCain in droves. There's even a bunch of dumb bitches called PUMAs that are still pissy about Hillary losing. Get over it you whiny whores, you're gonna blow it for all of us. Everything was going so well and now it's all turning out so shitty. I want to be a representative in the House of Representatives or else get me a nice patronage job. I don't want to work. I hate work. Hockey mom, my ass! Screw her. We gotta Swift Boat her.

Joe Garcia Democrat for Congress in Florida's 25th district running against Republican Mario Diaz-Balart.

Greetings from Denver

2008-08-25T21:06:00.004-04:00

This convention is going to be more fun than a donkey show in Tijuana. My man Barack has picked Joe Biden to be his running mate which is awesome for me. I mean I can make up bumper stickers that say "Barack & Joe in 08!" Sweet. I'm really enjoying this shit. Even if I lose, I'm going to do this again in 2010. I mean how else would a shlub like me have access to over $1 million. One FUCKING million, are you kidding me? I get to ride around in limos, hobnob with very important people and give my flunky buddies jobs. This is so goddamned easy.

Gotta run, I'm going to go have a drink with Jimmy Carter.

'I have sinned'

I bet you have you sly sonofabitch, I bet you have!

Joe Garcia, Democrat for congress in Florida's 25th congressional district running against Mario Diaz-Balart.

Meet my donors, Part 1

2008-07-29T22:50:00.010-04:00

I've decided to start a new feature on the old blog here called "meet my donors." It's my way of saying thank you to those people who give who are supporting me. These are some of our community's finest leaders. First up Bernardo Benes, on the right in the picture (duh).

Bernardo is great guy. You can read his memoir entitled "My Secret Conversations with Fidel Castro" here.

Bernardo opened up his checkbook and gave me $50.

Thanks Bernardo, for your generous contribution.

Joe Garcia, Democrat for Congress in Florida's 21st Congressional district running against Mario Diaz-Balart, Republican incumbent.

Election Update

2008-07-26T00:05:00.005-04:00

Sorry about the light blogging lately folks, but campaigning is a bitch with a capital "B". I mean I never thought I'd get tired of whoring it up for the cameras but I have. It's all fundraising, fundraising, fundraising too. The good news is that I out-raised my opponent last quarter, the bad news is that that cocksucker still has a lot more in his war chest. I'm gonna change these campaign finance laws when I'm a powerful congressman.

Something else happened since I last blogged. Sergio Bendixen did some polls of south Florida voters and I'm close to my opponent. 44-39, with 17% undecided.

I never understood how somebody could be undecided. I mean if they haven't figured out that my opponent is a fascist Bush bootlicker by now, when are they going figure it out. Dumb clods.

The bad news is that the Cubans aren't buying my schtick about the travel to Cuba. I should have listened to Bendixen when he told me that strategy wasn't worth shit. Asshole little brother Diaz-Balart has 65% of the Cuban vote and I'm only getting 26%. Total fucking bullshit. Fatass Jim DeFede says the election isn't going to be decided by Cuban-Americans and it looks like he's right. I'm gonna have to try to convince a bunch of white and black people that I'm not a spic.

The other bad news is that Obama is doing even worse than I am, polling 21% among Cuban-Americans. If I lose my election and don't deliver the Cuban vote how the hell am I ever going to get a patronage job in Barack's administration?

Joe Garcia Democrat for congress in Florida's 25th district running against Mario Diaz-Balart.

Republican Bastards

2008-05-29T21:54:00.004-04:00

These fucking pricks are ruining everything, all the plans I laid out. Take a look at this bullshit:

These assholes keep saying that Fidel wants us to win. I oughta sue every last one of those motherfucking photoshop jockeys. Everything was going great in my little plan to take the Cuba issue off the table in the next election. Even if I (or the two stooges I hand selected) didn't get elected , we'd bring some votes to my man Obama. How the fuck am I supposed to get a patronage job if Obama doesn't win Florida? Botellas don't come easy, you have to do some work to get them.

Joe Garcia, Democrat for Congress vs. Mario Diaz-Balart in Florida's 25th congressional district.

Fucking Sweet!

2008-05-16T00:14:00.004-04:00

I picked up my first newspaper endorsement today. Sure, it's only that weekly rag, The Miami New Times, but an endorsement is an endorsement. And they called me "ballsy". I love that. I'll have to draft a resolution praising the Miami New Times once I'm a powerful congressman and stuff. Luckily they didn't look too deeply into my past at CANF. I really did a number on that organization. The best thing about the whole endorsement is the fact that I've never won an election in my life and they say I'm the best politician of the year. Like I said, FUCKING SWEET!

Joe Garcia Democrat for Congress, running against Mario Diaz-Balart in Florida's 25th Congressional district. Sweet!

Thanks Jim

2008-04-29T00:04:00.003-04:00

My buddy Jim DeFede came to my defense on the whole Rangel fundraiser contretemps.

Memo to self: send Jim a BIG basket of fruit when I'm a powerful congressman. Make that two baskets, dude can put it away.

Who the fuck is Stuart Rothenberg?

2008-04-23T21:41:00.004-04:00

This prick is saying that I don't have a chance to beat Mario Diaz-Balart. What's more he doesn't think Raul "The incorruptible one" Martinez or Annette Taddeo have a chance either. This guy just doesn't understand the new reality in Miami and obviously can't recognize my political genius at work.

Another one for the enemies list when I become a powerful congressman!

Joe Garcia Democrat for congress vs. Mario Diaz-Balart in Florida's 25th congressional district.

My new ad!

2008-04-22T20:30:00.002-04:00

Hey folks, check out my latest political ad. I ripped off a Paul Simon song and edited together a few clips from a couple of the Diaz-Balart brothers' one minute speeches on the floor of the House. It's so awesome to take quotes out of context and use them to portray these guys as one trick ponies. Man this politics thing is sooooo easy!

Joe Garcia Democrat for congess vs. Mario Diaz-Balart Florida's 25th congressional district

What a hangover!

2008-04-22T08:31:00.004-04:00

Wow, that Charles Rangel sure can put the booze away. I had trouble keeping up with him last night. Between all the Cuba Libres (Ha!) and those Cuban stogies I've got a throbbing headache. And it takes a lot of advil to take care of my huge melon. Anyway, I pocketed a nice sum for the campaign and the abortion salesman, Victor Kovner, is happy. He's a guy I should be able to tap into again. I never knew there was so much money in killing babies.

Joe Garcia Democrat for congress vs. Mario Diaz-Balart in Florida's 25th district.

The big day!

2008-04-21T17:30:00.003-04:00

Well it's the big day of my fund raiser with Charles "I love Fidel" Rangel and Victor "No fetus can beat us" Kovner. Can't wait. We'll rack up the big bucks here in the big apple. A few hundred thousand bucks buys a lot of Jheri Curl. They don't call me Joedilocks for nothin'.

Wish me luck!

Joe Garcia Democrat for Congress vs. Mario Diaz-Balart in Florida's 25th district.

Bamboozled

2008-04-19T11:05:00.005-04:00

I got suckered into buying a table at a breakfast given by something called the Christian Family Coalition. Of course I didn't go. Who wants to hear a bunch of religious wingnuts talk about free speech? I have better things to do like practice my speech for the fund raiser on Monday night. I mean it's much more important to get in the good graces of "Uncle Charlie" Rangel and that abortion salesman, Victor Kovner who's hosting the thing.

Plus I have to go to the salon to had my curls activated.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

New Strategy!

2008-04-18T21:44:00.006-04:00

I finally figured out Mario Diaz-Balart's weakness.

Pork!

I'm going to run against him using the premise that the 25th district (that I don't even live in) isn't getting its fair share of the other white meat.

More pork for the 25th district! That'll be my motto. Earmark reform, my ass.

It works so well too. Cubans may hate Charles Rangel, but they LOVE them some motherfucking pork. And I'm just the man to give it to them.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

Shit!

2008-04-17T19:54:00.004-04:00

Wow, Raul Martinez is getting grilled for soliciting donations from county employees via email. I hope nobody realizes that I did the same for the Democratic party a few months ago before I was a candidate.

It's a dumb rule. That's what I'll say.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

Pheeew.

2008-04-14T08:40:00.004-04:00

Thank God, nothing in the Herald today about the Rangel fund raiser. Finally got that one behind me. Now I can focus on the task at hand. Just need to figure out something to get rid of those pesky bloggers that are busting my balls all the time.

I know! I'll send some folks over to start defending me in the comments. That should do it. There is a big brain inside this big head, believe you me.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

Thanks but no thanks

2008-04-13T18:03:00.006-04:00

Why is it that the only sympathy I've gotten on this Rangel catastrophe is from Ana Menendez? That's not helpful at all. She's like the female version of Rangel to these dumb voters. And her column was laced with condescension toward me, what's up wit dat?

This running for office thing is harder than I thought.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

Damn Putney

2008-04-13T11:38:00.008-04:00

He didn't give me any time to do damage control on this Rangel mess. Stupid baseball stadium and port tunnel talk. Putz just made my enemies list. We'll see if I have any time for him when I'm a powerful congressman.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

Goddamn Bloggers

2008-04-12T16:21:00.006-04:00

In addition to not finding any fellow Belen alums to back me up on the Rangel fiasco, now some fuckhead blogger is recruiting OTHER Belen alumni to sign the letter condemning my fundraiser ex post facto. That's bullshit!

Memo to self: Talk to campaign staff to create a dozen blogs in support of my candidacy. That ought to do it.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

Rats!

2008-04-11T13:02:00.006-04:00

No go on finding Belen alums to back me up on the Rangel fund raiser. Even my friends are repulsed by the idea of chumming around with Uncle Charlie.

Idea!

Press conference time. I'll play a game of six degrees of separation in which I'll link the Diaz-Balarts to donors that work for corporations who have foreign subsidiaries that do some business with Cuba. That should do it.

I'm also gonna get on my high horse and say that it's all about the 25th district. Hopefully nobody will realize that I live in Miami Beach, in the 20th district. Fingers crossed.

I gotta call Putney to see if he'll give me a few minutes to defend myself.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

Bastards!

2008-04-11T09:01:00.002-04:00

A group of alumni from Belen, my alma mater, have written an open letter to me about the Charlie Rangel thing and the Herald is asking me about it. I can't believe those backstabbing pricks. Don't they see that they are ruining MY CHANCE to be someone?

All they say is "Fidel, Rangel blah blah blah!" I'm sick of it. I need Charlie Rangel. I'm not backing down. Nobody gives a shit about Cuba anymore anyway. At least not in the 25th district.

We're three days into this scandal there's no sign of it going away. And the fund raiser is still a couple of weeks away.

I know what I'll do, I'll put together a list of Belen alums that support me. That'll show 'em.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

Uh oh!

2008-04-10T18:18:00.002-04:00

Maybe I miscalculated on that Charlie Rangel thing. The media has been calling me all day about it and I can't get out in front of it. I know what I'll do, I'll simply throw a bunch of ad hominem attacks out there as a distraction. I'm really good at empty bombast. Tomorrow will be another day and this little episode will be behind us.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

Eureka!

2008-04-09T10:43:00.002-04:00

Sorry people about the lack of posting, it's just that I've been trying to book the most polarizing personality I could find for my upcoming fundraiser in New York. And guess what! I got him!

None other than Charles Rangel will be my "very special guest" on April 21st. You can't understand how excited I am to be collecting cash with the aid of a personal friend of Fidel Castro's. It's awesome.

My dad won't talk to me, but it's all worth it. He's going to HAVE to respect my opinions once I'm a powerful congressman in Washington.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

I'm running!

2008-02-07T12:24:00.002-05:00

Well folks, it's official I'm running for congress against Mario Diaz-Balart, the youngest of the "Three Very Bad Bears". While Mario Diaz-Balart maybe "just right" that's not good enough for Joedilocks. I want things to be "just left".

The first order of business is fund raising so I'm going to see how many odious personalities I can enlist to support me in my candidacy.

I already have the support of Francisco Aruca, Max Lesnik and others in the pro-Castro crowd. Now I'm looking for some big names to help me out.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

Welcome to my world

2007-11-21T19:28:00.002-05:00

Hola everyone (that means hello everyone in Spanish),

Welcome to my new blog. I'm very excited about the fact that many of you (well a few of you, well a couple of you) are excited about the fact that I might want to run for congress against one of the three "very bad" bears.

Over the coming months I'm going to need help in spreading the word. It's not going to be easy. We're going to have to convince people that a seat in the U.S. House of Representatives requires no experience as an elected official. That's right, I've never won an election in my life.

You're probably wondering how I got to have such an influential position, you know as chairman of the Democratic party in Miami-Dade county. And the answer is simple. A potent combination of self-promotion, brown nosing, connections, and Afro Sheen.

But enough about my qualifications, you probably want to know about my views and what I'd do if elected to serve you in the 25th congressional district of Florida.

First of all my plan to liberate Cuba:

First, we're going to drown Fidel Castro and his sycophants in tourist dollars.

Then we're going to extend billions of dollars in credit to Castro and have the Federal Government guarantee the loans. Fidel will die of the surprise.

Even if he doesn't we'll gain many allies around the world by caving in to a dictator. We'll soon regain our position as the most respected nation on earth.

And Iraq? A declaration of unconditional surrender to Al Qaeda is certainly in order. I will also introduce a bill to fund cloning research so we can bring Saddam back.

As for the economy, I would like to right the wrongs of the Republican tax cuts. It's time that Washington got it's fair share!

So join me won't you? Together we can make bring back the America of Jimmy Carter that we all knew and loved.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District