Bamboozled

I got suckered into buying a table at a breakfast given by something called the Christian Family Coalition. Of course I didn't go. Who wants to hear a bunch of religious wingnuts talk about free speech? I have better things to do like practice my speech for the fund raiser on Monday night. I mean it's much more important to get in the good graces of "Uncle Charlie" Rangel and that abortion salesman, Victor Kovner who's hosting the thing.

Plus I have to go to the salon to had my curls activated.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

Pheeew.

Thank God, nothing in the Herald today about the Rangel fund raiser. Finally got that one behind me. Now I can focus on the task at hand. Just need to figure out something to get rid of those pesky bloggers that are busting my balls all the time.

I know! I'll send some folks over to start defending me in the comments. That should do it. There is a big brain inside this big head, believe you me.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

Thanks but no thanks

Why is it that the only sympathy I've gotten on this Rangel catastrophe is from Ana Menendez? That's not helpful at all. She's like the female version of Rangel to these dumb voters. And her column was laced with condescension toward me, what's up wit dat?

This running for office thing is harder than I thought.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

Damn Putney

He didn't give me any time to do damage control on this Rangel mess. Stupid baseball stadium and port tunnel talk. Putz just made my enemies list. We'll see if I have any time for him when I'm a powerful congressman.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

Goddamn Bloggers

In addition to not finding any fellow Belen alums to back me up on the Rangel fiasco, now some fuckhead blogger is recruiting OTHER Belen alumni to sign the letter condemning my fundraiser ex post facto. That's bullshit!

Memo to self: Talk to campaign staff to create a dozen blogs in support of my candidacy. That ought to do it.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

Rats!

No go on finding Belen alums to back me up on the Rangel fund raiser. Even my friends are repulsed by the idea of chumming around with Uncle Charlie.

Idea!

Press conference time. I'll play a game of six degrees of separation in which I'll link the Diaz-Balarts to donors that work for corporations who have foreign subsidiaries that do some business with Cuba. That should do it.

I'm also gonna get on my high horse and say that it's all about the 25th district. Hopefully nobody will realize that I live in Miami Beach, in the 20th district. Fingers crossed.

I gotta call Putney to see if he'll give me a few minutes to defend myself.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

Bastards!

A group of alumni from Belen, my alma mater, have written an open letter to me about the Charlie Rangel thing and the Herald is asking me about it. I can't believe those backstabbing pricks. Don't they see that they are ruining MY CHANCE to be someone?

All they say is "Fidel, Rangel blah blah blah!" I'm sick of it. I need Charlie Rangel. I'm not backing down. Nobody gives a shit about Cuba anymore anyway. At least not in the 25th district.

We're three days into this scandal there's no sign of it going away. And the fund raiser is still a couple of weeks away.

I know what I'll do, I'll put together a list of Belen alums that support me. That'll show 'em.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

Uh oh!

Maybe I miscalculated on that Charlie Rangel thing. The media has been calling me all day about it and I can't get out in front of it. I know what I'll do, I'll simply throw a bunch of ad hominem attacks out there as a distraction. I'm really good at empty bombast. Tomorrow will be another day and this little episode will be behind us.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

Eureka!

Sorry people about the lack of posting, it's just that I've been trying to book the most polarizing personality I could find for my upcoming fundraiser in New York. And guess what! I got him!

None other than Charles Rangel will be my "very special guest" on April 21st. You can't understand how excited I am to be collecting cash with the aid of a personal friend of Fidel Castro's. It's awesome.

My dad won't talk to me, but it's all worth it. He's going to HAVE to respect my opinions once I'm a powerful congressman in Washington.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District

Welcome to my world

Hola everyone (that means hello everyone in Spanish),

Welcome to my new blog. I'm very excited about the fact that many of you (well a few of you, well a couple of you) are excited about the fact that I might want to run for congress against one of the three "very bad" bears.

Over the coming months I'm going to need help in spreading the word. It's not going to be easy. We're going to have to convince people that a seat in the U.S. House of Representatives requires no experience as an elected official. That's right, I've never won an election in my life.

You're probably wondering how I got to have such an influential position, you know as chairman of the Democratic party in Miami-Dade county. And the answer is simple. A potent combination of self-promotion, brown nosing, connections, and Afro Sheen.

But enough about my qualifications, you probably want to know about my views and what I'd do if elected to serve you in the 25th congressional district of Florida.

First of all my plan to liberate Cuba:

First, we're going to drown Fidel Castro and his sycophants in tourist dollars.

Then we're going to extend billions of dollars in credit to Castro and have the Federal Government guarantee the loans. Fidel will die of the surprise.

Even if he doesn't we'll gain many allies around the world by caving in to a dictator. We'll soon regain our position as the most respected nation on earth.

And Iraq? A declaration of unconditional surrender to Al Qaeda is certainly in order. I will also introduce a bill to fund cloning research so we can bring Saddam back.

As for the economy, I would like to right the wrongs of the Republican tax cuts. It's time that Washington got it's fair share!

So join me won't you? Together we can make bring back the America of Jimmy Carter that we all knew and loved.

Joe Garcia Democrat Congress Mario Diaz-Balart 25th District